Secrets of Self Mastery - #1: I Am Ugly

Secret #1 - I Am Ugly

I am ugly. We are all ugly. We are actually wired to be ugly. We are wired for survival and instinctively, for most of us, defensiveness, ego and upset can often be our first reaction to life. This can look ugly. If ego and identity isn't at the source of our first reaction to life, bravo to us, but we will still experience our humanity from time to time. Some of us deal with our humanity more than others. 

I was recently a guest speaker in my friend's Mind Class at UNC. The topic was self mastery. Since leaving that classroom, and participating in that dialogue, I have been toying with the thought of what it means to actually have self mastery. When will I know that I have achieved this? 

After grappling with the quandary for a few days, I started laughing at myself for being in my head about it. I decided to get on the court and take action and actually look to see where I have achieved self mastery and how I achieve self mastery. 

What I noticed is that one thing that helps me the most is to think of my mind as a billion different muscles that all need to be exercised or even "re-programmed". It is when I think of myself in this way that I find I have compassion for myself and my own humanity and are free to take useful action. 

Here is one of my mind exercises:

Person says something that irritates or offends me, I immediately spew out an automatic ugly defensive monologue that makes no difference and causes an upset. I realize 1-2 days later that I was the one who created the ugliness in the situation and realize I have been suffering about it for days. I then take 2-5 days to get up the courage to be in communication with that person to clean up the mess. (please note sometimes this timeline is actually over YEARS not simply days)

My first goal is to shorten this period of suffering, from 1-2 days to 1-2 hours then 20-30 minutes. 

The second goal is to get to the point where I can catch myself during my ugliness and clean it up in the moment. I actually do this a lot with Jeremy. After making a judgmental comment about someone or something, I realize I was in a state of ego and immediately take something back and create a new way to be about it. 

The third goal is to be able to catch myself before I say anything. LOVE this one, but I am still not completely free. My mind is still quick to judge and assess, I have just avoided an upset with the other person, but I am still quick to be ugly. 

The last and ultimate goal is to be in the other persons world so completely that I disappear and I can hear what the other person is really saying and dealing with and actually make a difference for them. I am not offended or irritated by anything they say or do. I am completely free. 

So my secret is out - I too am ugly from time to time and it is okay. It is when I have the ability to laugh at myself, take useful action and learn from my humanity that my beauty shines through and I am beautiful. 

Up next, I will share with you about another mind exercise that I have created, the laughing Buddha in my belly. I promise it will make you laugh.